'Tis the season for high cholesterol, eating cake for breakfast (not that I did that today or anything...oh wait, I still have some whipped cream on my lip. busted.), and outlandish onslaughts of annoying holiday deliveries from the USPS. This year it seems that corporate America has infiltrated my life even more than usual by "sharing with me" via email holiday sales/last-minute Christmas gift ideas/last day for free shipping/ORDER TODAY FOR CHRISTMAS DELIVERY/40% off - OUR BEST OFFER EVERRRRRRRR!!!/the super easy click me-click on 'show images'-click the link to open the coupon-download the coupon-open the coupon in Adobe Reader-wait for Adobe Reader to say it's a corrupt file-reopen in Preview-print-cut out-take to the store-give the checkout lady your name, email address, date of birth, last four digits of your social security number, and your mother's maiden name- AND RECEIVE 10% OFF YOUR HIGHEST PRICED ITEM (Item must be an original price of $250 or more. This offer does not apply to sale or clearance items, nor can it be used with any other offer. Limit one coupon per household per visit. Walking out of the store and then walking right back in to buy another is not allowed. Honestly, if you attempt to use this coupon, your name will be added to our 'Do not Sell' list posted next to each cash register, so good luck coming back in the future. When you open this email, your name, likeness, contact information, and the future of your small children will all be sold to corporate hacks who will continue to infiltrate your lives with GREAT OFFERS LIKE THIS ONE!!!!!!!). Gee, thanks for that.

But the only thing worse than the cards and the "sales" ads are the Christmas letters. You know what I'm talking about - the impersonal letters printed out on somebody's home InkJet outlining the major events of their family members' lives for that year. These letters are typically printed on cheap scrapbooking paper purchased at your local Kinko's with smiling snowmen or a series of reindeer prancing around the margins. Actually, while I do really love hearing what my friends and family are up to, I secretly believe that these letters are systematically designed to make you feel like shi*. This is why I went for the typical Christmas card this year - no letter, no personal message, just a smart-ass holiday-themed joke with the politically correct statement on the inside referring to the "Holidays" for all of my Jewish and Muslim friends (of which only one Jewish one got a card this year, and no Muslims, but I figured it best to play it safe). For anyone who didn't get one, here it is:


My favorite holiday letters are the ones that are sent out by young twenty-somethings that feature a happy-go-lucky photo of the couple posed in front of the Christmas tree. How quaint. You know, the ones that make everyone say, "I give it two months. Tops." Here's a tip: assuming that position is lethal unless you've either got a ring on your finger or a bun in the oven. Or the ones that are conspicuously screened for any less-than-par imagery. "Stephen and I have been loving every minute of our new empty nest, and we're looking forward to turning young Johnny's old bedroom into a sitting room or office. We haven't quite decided yet, but, you know Stephen - when he gets an idea in his mind, it'll be done in two weeks! Watch out!" But wait a second... why did little Johnny leave the house? Oh yeah! That's because he was kicked out when his folks found him pawning grandad's pocketwatch for crack money. Isn't he in juvie now? Huh.

Ruth sent me an email-based Christmas letter the other day, and, if you're reading this Ruth, I appreciate your honesty. She listed out her major achievements of the year, but she also played it real. She ran for an elected office. She didn't get it, but she enjoyed the process. (You easily could have slid in some curse words towards the second primary voting population in the tiny type here.) I appreciate that. So, in keeping with the honest and real take, I give you my quick-and-dirty Christmas letter:


To my Dearest and not-so-dear-but-I'm-required-to-write-this-to-you-anyway Friends,

The year of 2008 was a roller coaster of emotions, successes and failures for me. I rang in the new year playing Peanut on the living room floor with my mom. Soon after, I was asked to move in with someone post-graduation, to which I eventually teetered towards no. I spent the next few months dating a random list of not--so-quality guys, which landed me in continued counseling and sex therapy sessions (and, yes, the sex therapist's office at Iowa State has a two-way mirror inside it - talk about awkward). I somehow ended up in the only architecture studio that not only did not include an overseas trip, but in fact made it a point that you had to gather all of your information from your desk. After designing an orphanage for a crack-infested town in Nicaragua, I discovered that the head librarian of the Design Reading Room was from there and was in for a big surprise when she attended my final presentation. Whee! In May, I said goodbye to my rockstar roommate and graduated with Honors and triple degrees from Iowa State and became the first student in the school's history to do, well, a number of things. After much deliberation, I decided to turn down the offer to return to my old firm in Minneapolis (which turned out to be a good thing, b/c they're hurting bad right now), and instead moved to Austin, Texas, to pursue a Masters of Fine Arts of Design and to work at a family firm that does mostly work for the University of Texas. At work, I became a "professional shopper" (but yet they refuse to write that on my business cards). I spend most of my days researching products, colors, and prices to make things pretty. Over the summer, I threw a Five Year High School Reunion (go Falcons!) back home, had some reconstructive surgery on the chestules, and donned a bridesmaid dress in my friend Kari's wedding. School has, so far, turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made, and I'm loving every minute of it. I've thrown my declared thesis topic - architectural graphics - out the window and have since turned to challenging that time tested, gay medium of cross-stitch. My final project was a huge success with the critics, and as soon as I get it photographed, I'm sending it off to the United Colors of Benetton's magazine "Colors" and hopefully parading it around some local museums. This fall, I also declared two minors - History and Business (both of which will be complete in May), and worked with a group of lawyers/engineers/MBA candidates to develop a business plan for a line of diabetic footwear that prevents ulceration (on which we landed an unprecedented perfect score!!). (See photo below to toss your cookies.) I traveled out to DC to visit my friend Stephen, and jumped out of a perfectly good airplane when my folks visited this fall. In my mind, my relationships have been improving steadily, however I have also been alerted that they're sometimes just that - only existing in my mind. I got to go to LA and home for Christmas, which reminded me yet again that living in a place where you don't know anyone kinda blows...big time. I'm now in a new and vastly-improved apartment and am working diligently on putting together a life here as a southern belle.

All in all, 2008 was a 'meh' year. It's probably safe to say that it was my worst, at least January-May. So there's only room for improvement from here! Best of luck to all in the New Year, and stay away from Sally Hansen's Lavender Spa Home Waxing Kit (yet another lesson learned in '08)!!

xxoo,
Lisa


I wonder if Kinko's has a holiday paper that would coordinate with foot puss...

I was home mosaic-ing some broken tile on Christmas Eve, and I started thinking about Christmas wishes. At the time, the best I could come up with was, "stop cutting my fingers on this f*&$ing glass!" (Can you tell who it is?)


I figured I needed a reality check, so I sent out texts of "If you had to pick one Christmas wish, what would it be?" to a random list of people. It was really interesting to hear their answers:

"To be healthy" (my friend who has Crohn's disease)
"To ease all of my cousin's pain and suffering"
"Who is this?"
"That everyone in the world could learn to accept one another and get along"
"That my family would all be happy and healthy." "That's retarded and unoriginal." "I'm a mom. It's what I do."
"To make a smooth transition to my new city. I'm worried that I'll get there and find out that there's no place for me."
"200 million dollars" "Yeah, money is nice, but you know there are a lot of things you can do for free that don't cost a thing ;)" "Yeah no"

The great thing about Christmas wishes is that, whatever your wish, you get to put it into action by outlining your plans in your New Years resolutions. So far, I've heard, "To sell the bar", "That you would be happy", "To start taking care of all of the medical things that I've been putting off", "I want to drink more and think less", and "To lose about twenty pounds." Here's my list so far:

-Embrace my cynicism
-Take more chances ("Do something that scares you everyday")
-Make my new home a place of comfort and tranquility where others always feel welcome and hopefully inspired
-Continue to push myself in the handicrafts and find new ways to introduce them to the market
-Travel to at least four new countries
-Slowly but surely work on building my confidence back up
-Be better about writing letters to my grandparents
-Make more. Buy less.
-Be content.
-Figure out what the hell "girlfriend material" really means. (No, nobody said this to me, it's just a phrase that I've never been able to pin down.)
-To be the best me that I possibly can

In light of some news I received on Friday, I'd like to add another one to the list too. One of my very best friends recently found out that she has contracted HPV, the human papillomavirus. Now, if you're been reading this blog the whole way through, you've probably heard me mention it a time or two. You see, I was one of five gals on a research team at Iowa State that studied people's awareness of HPV and its causes, methods of preventative treatment, consequences, etc. Some people would really shock you. In our trial surveys, I actually had a professor in her fifties answer that she thought hugging was one way someone could lose their virginity. Yikes. Most people, if they've even heard of it, know only what information has been portrayed on the Gradasil commercials, and that, my friends, is wrong or misleading about 80% of the time. I made it my own personal mission to educate my friends and family on HPV factoids, and annoyed the hell out of them in the process. But somehow, and I don't know how, I must've missed my very, very good friend. She might have already had it before I learned, and even if I had said something, she might not have sought treatment in time, but, regardless, I feel an immense amount of guilt for what she has to deal with now. No 24 year old should have to have doctors digging around in her vijayjay looking for lumps and bumps that could lead to a whole lot more than genital warts. Not cool at all. So my addition to my list is: Find something that you are passionate about and GET THE WORD OUT. It doesn't matter how annoying you are, never stop if you think it's something that people should know.

If I had to pick one thing that I'd want the public to know at this very moment, it's this: calling me/texting me/emailing me out of the blue without even knowing if I'm dating anyone and asking for sex is really not going to work. I'm serious. This has happened twice in the last week. I honestly don't know how I got a reputation that that was ok, but I've never done it in the past, and it's HIGHLY unlikely it's ever going to work in the future. Besides, asking for sex without even a date or a drink isn't cool, cheap asses. So don't. Please. The end.

Even though it's not New Year's yet, I've already started my work on my resolutions. I figure that "girlfriend material" likely has something to do with cooking and cleaning and all that other wife-ly crap, and I'm guessing that providing a comforting home also requires there to be food for your guests, so I took a stab at cooking. I cook occasionally, but generally not when it's just moi. They say that everyone should have a 'signature dish' - something that you make really well. Mine is toast. And Coconut Orange Angel Food Cake. (Let me know if you want the recipe - it's amaaaaazing...) But I've noticed that when I cook a meal, I generally plan, plan, plan and then when it comes time to put it together, I get all flustered, screw things up, and get really cranky because the longer it takes me to get it right, the hungrier I get... It's a downward spiral.

Santa brought me a cookbook for Christmas this year, and I set out to make Sandra Lee's "Lemon Chicken" - chicken strips fried in lemon-flavored breading and drizzled with a light lemon glaze. Mmm, tasty!


This poor little guy's brothers and sisters all got doused with a layer of disgusting-ness. I figured it was an acquired taste, but, after downing six pieces,  I never did acquire it. Instead, I ended up laying on the couch the rest of the night wondering if it was worth it to run to the bathroom or if I should just throw up right there. The chicken was just way too acidic with all of that lemon juice on it. But, silly me, I thought, "Ketchup! Everything's better with ketchup!" Um...yeah. Ketchup's acidic too. Bad combo. As I lay there on the couch writhing in pain watching "Intervention" (and thinking 'You whiners don't have shi*! Try eating some of this chicken and then tell me how bad meth withdrawal hurts!"), I came to the realization that more lemon juice or ketchup would only make the chicken more acidic. But...what if I had used kosher lemon juice instead? Would that still be too acidic? Or would it just be Hasidic?


I am happy to report that I had the gumption to try cooking again tonight, fish tacos this time (with guacamole, cabbage, red onion, sour cream, whipping cream and taco seasoning no less), and it was absolutely edible and almost tasty. Like I said, there's nowhere to go but up, right?

Well, I suppose that's enough corny jokes and pessimistic sarcasm to last you for a day or two. I'm headed off to San Antonio tomorrow after work to ring in the new year with that crazy Puerto Freakin' Rican and her folks. Then it's back to work for a day and then we're headed up north for Steven and Rebecca's nuptials in Wichita! Karen's not going to be able to make it, so we both snagged her spot in the hotel room. Unfortunately, I drool, so I've been relegated to floor duty. Oh well. If I drink enough champagne at the wedding, I won't even care where I sleep. It's gonna be a good weekend, and a great start to the new year. :) Chins up, ladies and gents! Let's get this year a-goin'!!